wtf i'm crazy
but it still annoys me that i'm obsessed by a girl i haven't seen for more than a year
i can't get her out of my head
i go out quite alot - meet all sorts of women - chat, have a laugh- yet she is the one i quite literally dream about
but it's just a delusion and i don't think she'd call me more than an acquaintance - i'm a fucking twat and it pisses me off
i take my medication and i don't bother her cause i know it's fucked and crazy and yet i miss her and want to see her but i don't want to inflict my insanity on her
she's beautiful and vulnerable and she wrenches at something deep inside me
she's the most intuitively perceptive woman i know
she's Diana Villiers to me
she's almost a fictional character - i barely know her - a myth of love - an indulgence - an object of desire to pine for from a safe distance where because i don't scare her unduly she never fully rejects me and yet it's painful and lonely
it's all rather stalker like and yet i have no delusions that i mean anything in particular to her
she knows something of the situation
i appreciate her tolerance
she snapped me out of the last obsession
why do i have this need to fixate
is it just another symptom of my poor mental health
but at least i have enough insight to realize that the feelings aren't reciprocated and to be like a loyal fan but not an out and out stalker - i leave her be and respect her space - i don't inundate her with messages of undying love or threats (i certainly don't believe my insanity would reach the stage of turning malignant but i'm not unaware of the possibilities of psychosis)
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Monday, April 7, 2008
dream
i had a dream last night that i was fighting in a combat platoon in France (well it was countryside) we were in an exposed position and withdrew to an even more exposed position -- the enemy was approaching -- i started firing at a machine gun and then my hand hurt and i was collapsing and i suddenly realised my hand was in front of me and that a bullet must have gone through my hand first before going through my chest and that this was it.
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