I thought about writing a love letter
but it felt silly
I am not really sure how I feel
let alone certain that it is love
I tolerate myself
but love?
So I abandoned the idea
and decided
to try and just be my friend.

I am the river.
I am the pebble, on the river bed.
I am the water.
I am the flow.
Change.

I am alive between the silences.
The silence before birth and after death.
Now the window is open and I listen
to the birds and the hissing radiator.
Traffic murmurs in the distance
(the flow)
seconds pass.
There is stillness.
There is birdsong.
By increments the day brightens towards sunrise.
I am the pebble.
I am the blood.
I am the platelet.
I am the herringbone sky.

I have lain on the floor knowing I was beat
melting and relaxing into defeat,
the blue tiles absorbing my failure.
I found eventually that I was cold
and I picked myself up.

Winter
Spring
circles

the vernal equinox has passed
light grows and the plants in my window
bud and leaf
fern fronds uncurl
I have chilli seeds ready for planting

I have lain on the floor
on the blue suicide tiles

I have been silent

move slowly
heal
bud and leaf

I bow to the East
I bow to the West
I bow to the Sun, the Moon and the rest
I bow to thee
and then I am still
and try to find the courage
to show the same respect to me

I lower my gaze
then shut my eyes
and breathe

him:love
her:is it?
him:obsession?
her:now you're talking.
him:unrequited love
her:too often a posh way of saying stalking. Learn to listen to the No.
him:
her:better

I remember
I remember
Rockin' and Rollin'
to Hüsker Dü and MBV
I remember
I remember
Being 13 maybe 14
in a dark garage
standing on an upended suitcase
with electrical cable tied around my neck
Rockin' and Rollin'
Gathering my courage
I jumped and the cable snapped
Now I am Rockin' and Rollin'
with memories crowding in on me
I remember the handprint she made
on the student halls wall
her period blood mixed with my cum
I remember
I remember
Rockin' and Rollin'
movie quotes
and song lyric fragments
explode - fireworks and mortar shells -
wash up on the beach
and now I can't sleep

unwind
unwind
let the clock drift like a raft

pardon me for being a fool
pardon me for not stepping back
I said the words I can't retract
it is dark without you

I see no dawn ahead
I must learn to live again
to slowly uncurl my fern frond heart
and stretch towards Spring