slowly gathering
detritus. Sediment.
I lack good habits.

Ruby took a chance
and danced with Lance,
in time they married,
in time they became my grandparents.
They remain with me.

back on planet Earth
gravity gravity
the words of a friend
and I was swimming,
full and floating.
My darkness, my darkness
an eggshell, brittle
broken healing man.
Sometimes a song
sometimes an emotion
Stop and hold the feeling tenderly
let it go
and cry if you must
pitter-patter
the dancing of ants
listen to the drumming of rain
listen and hold the moment
listen to the storm
and hold the moment
this is the weather

hydrogen cloud star oxygen water
cloud rain river sea cloud
cloud rain puddle drain river ocean cloud
cloud rain ice gin pee drain river cloud
cloud snow glacier iceberg ocean depths waves spray cloud
cloud rain river ocean whale's milk blubber sushi river cloud
cloud rain mud lotus mud cloud
cloud
protons
unknown

packing my life into boxes
that sit snuggly around work
I am on the hamster wheel
eat sleep work
eat sleep work
collapse at the weekend
then back on the wheel

I feel like a pebble
falling through water
to rest in sleep

diff -u then now > meditation.patch

there will always be days
when the urge strikes
to take a razor to my wrists
or put a rope around my neck
but I am learning
I am healing

20 years ago
I spiralled
I got lost in the dark

the difference now
the patch
to learn not to follow my thoughts
into the darkness
to concentrate
to focus
to allow my breathing
to release the thoughts
I am alive
and breathing