60 paracetamol later
I was lying on the blue bathroom tiles
in pain, mid-suicide,
19 years later
I still need to breathe through it
self-soothe
and stop chasing
the love for the unobtainable,
the girl with the blue hair,
in the darkness
in the light
in the hospital
in the night
blue

the storm has largely passed
and I'm picking through the debris,
trying to piece together the jagged shards.
I sit numb and gaze at the fragments.
After the tornado,
after the storm,
I need a little quiet,
to find my feet,
to ground myself and process
the swirl into sand
that gently settles
and forms soil with my clay
into which I root
and grow again
but that is tomorrow,
today I sit amidst the jagged shards

solstice morning quiet
inhale
exhale
feel what you feel
I embrace you
and let you go

there is a certain sadness
that I swim through -
the sun is up,
the world is alive with summer,
today is the zenith,
yet my mind is drawn to thoughts
of winter stars and frost
sparkling,
this is the tilting -
feel what you feel
I embrace you
and let you go

from solstice to solstice
I love you
and let you go

the wheeling of the fixed stars
and the central sun,
the spiral of time -
ripples in a pool -
the glittering of light
as it passes through water -
dancing
dancing
dappled shade
as sunlight passes through tree leaves
feel what you feel
I embrace you
and let you go

sunlight to starlight
and return
blue sky

sit with me and we will talk about the stars,
the breath from our lungs will dance in front of us
and we will drink in the summer

sometimes I feel small
and fragile like an egg

I want to blossom bold as a buttercup
and stop the awkward anxious twisting

resiliance and trust
remember
remember
that I am loved and cared for

unwind
uncurl
smile
and be bold as a sunflower
bold as yellow
bold as peace
bold as water glittering in sunlight
be the river
be the wave
a leaf
connected
rooted

fragments of pottery
solitude
not lonely
yet the future
alone
alone
alone

it is my day off work
I must get busy and meditate,
watch the plants grow,
and listen to the sky

I will breathe gently
and will see the leaves stretch for light
and hear the herringbone clouds pass overhead