diff -u then now > meditation.patch

there will always be days
when the urge strikes
to take a razor to my wrists
or put a rope around my neck
but I am learning
I am healing

20 years ago
I spiralled
I got lost in the dark

the difference now
the patch
to learn not to follow my thoughts
into the darkness
to concentrate
to focus
to allow my breathing
to release the thoughts
I am alive
and breathing

lost in the forest
emotions raging within
the only way out is through

it is not about sex
but kindness and listening
which perhaps, ultimately,
is real love

a single comma
like a tear in a poem
love,

ping pong
life goes on

to me to you
I dream and I rue
that love eludes me
though I wander through fields
with friends who are my found family
I always wanted my own family,
a wife
children

ping pong
life goes on

Saturday morning
time to meditate and drift
far away from work

that day
that day
when psychosis had a grip
more than half a lifetime ago
let it slide away
let it sink beneath the light of dawn
back into the sleeping depths
the pain
the pain
let it wash away
right here
right now
the water is gold and silver
and the library is full of wonder
the plants are green
the Spring
the Spring
life resplendent
the water is gold and silver
and the library is full of wonder

impermanence
the dew of life
it dazzles so brightly
so briefly so painfully
nevertheless
the beauty of light and water

the window open,
blue sky, early morning light,
peace like chocolate

I don't feel found
and I don't feel lost
I am wandering my own path
paved with poems and memories,
step by step, I am building better habits

a breath of fresh air
as I open the window
and water the plants
the sound of water dripping.
Sky the grey of slate, clouds rush

I desperately need to speak to you
About nothing
About the wind and the rain and the sea
About snowdrops and roots
About silence
With love

a housemate gave me a grape
a single grape
this small act changed my day

I went looking for you in my dream
but you weren't there
you were never there
you were never mine
and I felt lost, rejected.
Slowly the water cleared.
I surface and breathe

I have seen you dance

The only exit is through
I want to be free
not of desire
I want to be free
of the jangle snarl vinegar
I want peace
self sooth
drop into the body
drop into the water and float
feel, feel it all
feel, process, evolve

it washes over me
and the water begins to clear

to see the trauma,
to integrate it into
who I am - rather
than running away through drink
or drugs - to face it, and live

to climb the mountain,
little by little, focus
and stay in the now

navigation must be free,
say the politians.
The oil must flow,
like the blood of a child in Gaza

slowly on the mend
going through my old poems
the darkness of then
reminds me of my journey
out of the night to daylight

up in the attic,
sober and reading, writing,
the quiet before dawn,
a little meditation,
a January Sunday

inhale and exhale,
so simple, and yet my mind
slips away and drifts

to embroider life
with books and music, and grow
slowly, stitch by stitch

animals cower,
pyromaniacs rejoice,
another year starts

as midnight heads West,
fireworks fill the darkness,
lighting the new year

the midnight sky filled
with fireworks, I awake,
as the year arrives

Wishing a very
Happy New Year to my friends
around the planet