This morning I meditated
and imagined a garden of thought.
Sometimes busy with the sounds of growing leaves
and groaning trees, that react to the weather.
Cats visit and the grass shimmers with the breeze.
There are weeds of course, Nature's shock troops.
Some days I ignore the weeds,
the Holocaust thoughts
and psychosis memories
and they fade like dandelion seeds
on the breeze.
Some days I pull them from the ground
by returning
to the soil,
my breath,
grounded in the body,
grounded in the earth.
I let go of the gravity of my thoughts
and focus,
again and again,
on what I can hear, see, and feel.
The sensations of my body,
my breath or my big toe,
I am alive.
I wander in a garden,
I sit with my back against a tree.
There is colour.
There is life.
I am here,
inside my skull,
the meditation bell sounds
with its resonating reminder,
to come back
to my room,
to my home.

60 paracetamol later
I was lying on the blue bathroom tiles
in pain, mid-suicide,
19 years later
I still need to breathe through it
self-soothe
and stop chasing
the love for the unobtainable,
the girl with the blue hair,
in the darkness
in the light
in the hospital
in the night
blue

the storm has largely passed
and I'm picking through the debris,
trying to piece together the jagged shards.
I sit numb and gaze at the fragments.
After the tornado,
after the storm,
I need a little quiet,
to find my feet,
to ground myself and process
the swirl into sand
that gently settles
and forms soil with my clay
into which I root
and grow again
but that is tomorrow,
today I sit amidst the jagged shards

solstice morning quiet
inhale
exhale
feel what you feel
I embrace you
and let you go

there is a certain sadness
that I swim through -
the sun is up,
the world is alive with summer,
today is the zenith,
yet my mind is drawn to thoughts
of winter stars and frost
sparkling,
this is the tilting -
feel what you feel
I embrace you
and let you go

from solstice to solstice
I love you
and let you go

the wheeling of the fixed stars
and the central sun,
the spiral of time -
ripples in a pool -
the glittering of light
as it passes through water -
dancing
dancing
dappled shade
as sunlight passes through tree leaves
feel what you feel
I embrace you
and let you go

sunlight to starlight
and return
blue sky

sit with me and we will talk about the stars,
the breath from our lungs will dance in front of us
and we will drink in the summer

sometimes I feel small
and fragile like an egg

I want to blossom bold as a buttercup
and stop the awkward anxious twisting

resiliance and trust
remember
remember
that I am loved and cared for

unwind
uncurl
smile
and be bold as a sunflower
bold as yellow
bold as peace
bold as water glittering in sunlight
be the river
be the wave
a leaf
connected
rooted

fragments of pottery
solitude
not lonely
yet the future
alone
alone
alone