whiskers on kittens
John Coltrane playing

when I am feeling

the blood rushing
and anxiety slicing
depression gravity
the inertia
the weight

I think
I visualise
I meditate
I wait

Today
Tomorrow
The pool will clear

repeat
repeat

go to work
survive the day
or stay at home
survive the pain

Today
Tomorrow
The pool will clear

watch the plants
watch the sky
watch the paint
watch the autumn light rise and fall
like breathing
like ripples
the undulations and punctuation of time
mark the rhythms
scar life

ska dance
my friend died of cancer too young
Life rolls on
and sometimes feels like an Auschwitz train
we can't believe the destination
break
break
break

ska dance
breathe
move

whiskers on kittens

An autumnal day
grey clouds and drops of silver
dangling from leaves - swing
in the air, holding on, light
dances - photons from our sun

gravitational wells
the thoughts I return to again and again
float in space
ride the currents
leave behind the obsessions
dance on daylight
fail
I return to you
looking for glitter
see the light
see the light
embrace the madness
and release
the Zen teachings on impermanence
my failures are not forever
today I am a cloud
one day rain
let the thoughts wash away

I see a footprint on the Moon
I see erosion
Micrometeorites
Time wins
Blast
Smile
Little waves across the universe
I am nobody
I wear a mask
Noh theatre?
Or naked and full of ghosts?
Blast, trying to be clever
Smile, little thoughts

Grief
I return
I fail
Voyager travelling out from the Sun
I sense you
But I am a creature of the Goldilocks zone
Earth is my warm, blue home

Gravity

I give up
I give up myself to love,
kindness, quiet mornings with coffee,
books and music,
nurturing my chilli seedlings,
walking to work and seeing the changing seasons.
I surrender
and let go.

light plays
and shadows dance
to the melody

I thought about writing a love letter
but it felt silly
I am not really sure how I feel
let alone certain that it is love
I tolerate myself
but love?
So I abandoned the idea
and decided
to try and just be my friend.

I am the river.
I am the pebble, on the river bed.
I am the water.
I am the flow.
Change.

I am alive between the silences.
The silence before birth and after death.
Now the window is open and I listen
to the birds and the hissing radiator.
Traffic murmurs in the distance
(the flow)
seconds pass.
There is stillness.
There is birdsong.
By increments the day brightens towards sunrise.
I am the pebble.
I am the blood.
I am the platelet.
I am the herringbone sky.

I have lain on the floor knowing I was beat
melting and relaxing into defeat,
the blue tiles absorbing my failure.
I found eventually that I was cold
and I picked myself up.

Winter
Spring
circles

the vernal equinox has passed
light grows and the plants in my window
bud and leaf
fern fronds uncurl
I have chilli seeds ready for planting

I have lain on the floor
on the blue suicide tiles

I have been silent

move slowly
heal
bud and leaf

I bow to the East
I bow to the West
I bow to the Sun, the Moon and the rest
I bow to thee
and then I am still
and try to find the courage
to show the same respect to me

I lower my gaze
then shut my eyes
and breathe

him:love
her:is it?
him:obsession?
her:now you're talking.
him:unrequited love
her:too often a posh way of saying stalking. Learn to listen to the No.
him:
her:better

I remember
I remember
Rockin' and Rollin'
to Hüsker Dü and MBV
I remember
I remember
Being 13 maybe 14
in a dark garage
standing on an upended suitcase
with electrical cable tied around my neck
Rockin' and Rollin'
Gathering my courage
I jumped and the cable snapped
Now I am Rockin' and Rollin'
with memories crowding in on me
I remember the handprint she made
on the student halls wall
her period blood mixed with my cum
I remember
I remember
Rockin' and Rollin'
movie quotes
and song lyric fragments
explode - fireworks and mortar shells -
wash up on the beach
and now I can't sleep

unwind
unwind
let the clock drift like a raft

pardon me for being a fool
pardon me for not stepping back
I said the words I can't retract
it is dark without you

I see no dawn ahead
I must learn to live again
to slowly uncurl my fern frond heart
and stretch towards Spring

my love for you is locked deep in my heart
I must take the key
and let it free
to fly
to fly
and let me be
complete
in the knowledge
that you don't love me
and that's OK
I release myself
from a prison I made myself
in myself
be free and fly

my feelings for you
are perhaps just psychotic residue
that slowly burns away
in the light of reality
and yet yet yet
I
you
I cannot see

Let the dew burn away this morning

I stand in the ruins of our friendship
and survey the wreckage
I measure the memories
from 20 plus years
gone down the shitter
if if if
if I hadn't been such a twat

too late

I am a man in black
the colour in my world
is other people
slowly this is changing
I am wearing rainbow socks

Lightly lightly
Meditate gently and softly
Like a small candle
Flickering

euterpe

listen and find the music of life
it plays in the clouds and the blue sky
it plays in her eyes and the way I feel when I just let go
it plays on gentle mornings as the dawn rises
it plays when I sit with friends
it plays as I wait for the seeds to germinate
now dance
now sing

the rigid order
decomposes into moss,
maples: embroidered

It is 6.30 in the morning
and I have work to do.
I must sit in silence
and face my despair.
Finally, after several days,
I am ready.